Thursday, January 20, 2011
Too confused to reveal out the things that are keeping me alone with a low note, but this is an expected thing to happen as M reading another book by Paulo. Not that his writing make me to feel down, but it gets me in the touch with real me, the one I am, somewhere hidden behind the weary and unwary curtains of professional life and my dream world. Once, when I used to read his books, I used to think that he is the one who speaks my mind... now, whenever I read his thoughts, my quest to search the answers detaches me from all the happenings around me, as if someone inside of me is watching every moment I am spending. I no longer want to let myself to be lost in the seconds that gets disappeared or in the noise of outside and inside struggles, but I want the Time to take control of me so that I can see if I rise from the ashes that I have got turned into or do I lie there with inheriting restlessness.
If I have to define goal of my life, I would say achieving Peace and Love.
Peace can only be momentary if it depends upon any of the exterior component like work, people, activity. Although I used to feel peaceful while finishing up my work at office or when I spend quality time with my loved ones. But eventually that gives rise to desire to do more work or spend more of the quality time; and once the desire finds a place to peek in, peace cannot last.
And love... to be loved, one must love the self. Whats the point in complaining that one is not getting loved enough in the way one deserves to, while one is not loving self in the same way... forgiving oneself for all the misdeeds and adoring for one's own charms. Without having the love for self within, love cannot be given; for we can give only the things we have and hence even when we think that we deserved to be loved, we can't get enough of it coz everyone is living in the same illusion and blaming everything around that can be found to set responsible for not getting loved... while the problem resides inside of us.
Wondering if I am blaming myself just to quick find any solution... I am not... I just taking a stand to say- "I refuse to be a victim and I take responsibility of everything.
Have you ever wondered, there is a pause between the words when we say something or a blank between the words when we end writing one word and proceed with writing the next. This pause or blank makes those words meaningful and this blank is not controlled by anyone, not even by the one who is creating it... but someone more powerful than anyone else; the motion of the hand or pitch of the voice is never in a repetitive state during these blanks, that proves that these blanks are not controlled by us even though we are the one who creates them.
I wonder, if I have been living these blanks since a long time or its just that a blank have been created to let me find a vivid picture of my existence.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I have been living a life of nomad ever since I remember. Never had a place that I can say I belongs to, neither did I had a home that I can call as mine (coz of the fact that the home that I have now, no one stays over there). I have been brought up in Gwalior, a historical city that happens to bear my history too. I gained all the institutional knowledge over there. Almost all the first things in life that I have done or have had, happened to have its root in Gwalior. Infact I still carry a part of it in my life as my present friends and some sweet brothers and uncles. My Friends over there used to know me in a far different way that I have become now. I used to be a part of solution for them, no matter whatever be the problem. I still miss the gal within me, who used to live in her dreamland, yet aware of all the true world happening and had the guts to face the truth and make her dreamland come
true one day.
After completion of my graduation, I moved in Nasik- The city of MORONS.Everything thereafter starts to degrade to its worst since day 1. I got my first job in a company where Bitches and Son of bitches used to work(EXCLUDING 2, WHOM I FIND AS GEM AND KEPT TILL DATE AS MY TREASURED FRIEND), that I left after teaching a kick ass lesson to all of the deserving ones. I kept on changing job in search of good work place without knowing the fact that it was the city where every single person who is in relation with you won't mind to slaughter your throat for his own wishes and stranger may help you sometimes to get out the hell. The dearest son (Sujit GADKARI) of my dad's real sister(Suchita/Lalita GADKARI) and her husband(Ramesh GADKARI) killed the trust of my dad for few Lakhs, that eventually added to killing the mental peace of my family. These 3 sons and daugther of devil were my first suspects when I got to heard that dad and mom met an accident. I wished I would have cut their hands and snatch out their eyeballs when they arrived at my home later on 12th Nov. Then I got one more reason to hate, well hate is an understatement,despise this city. The person who killed my dad, so called paralyzed father of a doctor(Dr. IGLE of Jayaram Hospital, nasik), showed up how inhuman and mean people have become... that they kill a person on the street, bribe police and phew... they are out of every single trouble. No need to mention that police department is always known for its corrupted behavior, but here, a Doctor, who took an oath to save people didn't even cared when a person, whom his dad had almost killed, to have a look at and help to get saved.
I sometimes feels so proud of myself that whatever I am today, I don't need to share its credit with anyone else because I am a self made person; otherwise I would have been forced to have a suitor who don't even matches up to my ideals. I have already left that city of Morons and living in a soulful city, where I have been offered all the love of people, who once were strangers, but now have become a smile of some lonely moments.
People with whom I have shared my life with recently, always say that I am more of a destroyer and kinda negative. But I am giving out what I have received. And for sure one day I'll come back to destroy everything that holds a reason to change me against my wish, to get what always was mine, to acquire what I deserved and to make these MORONS feel, what I felt and to give away all the darkness that now resides inside me, to all those who had given it to me... in the same way that I have received it.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
5 Jan... this date got a new meaning for me in year 2010, when 4 small town people landed in the city of dream and despair. This was the date when these 4 people were chosen by the fate to stay together, out of which 2 were meant to be together.
It was 5 Jan 2010, when I started my career in the field that interest me the most. I want to steal a moment to look back towards the same date, when I was new to this city, completely ignorant towards future, I was here just to join my new site and make a career. My mind was full of hope and confidence towards my work and no other thoughts. I was ready to accept whatever wait ahead for me and was ready to mould it in the way I want... and here I am, writing about the day that seems to be just yesterday and yet, a whole era have been passed for me...
Almost everything that I used to know or believe has been changed in this one year. Some people travelled the distance from "unknown" to "someone special" and many travelled down to "known" from "very special". I remember myself vividly standing on foot board just to know what it feels like to be travelling in local or staying out till late just to know what it taste like Independence. A timeless city that don't count on the hours or days, but do count seconds and minutes. An old city that doesn't care if you get old, but do take care that you GROW old. I read somewhere a quote, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them". I never even need to put a foundation when I thought about working in Mumbai, it was fate that took a turn and get me in here.
I had a job to earn, but I earned my friends; I had friends to love, but I loved my wish. There is nothing that I regret about since I came here, unlike other different places where I got to be. This city just welcomed me with arms wide open, nourished me with its experiences and healed me with the love that I have ever got in my life...
There is something typically strange about this place or may be the bunch of people that makes this a place... no matter where you go, you get a feeling that you have been a part of it, you are always welcomed warmly and you never get lost. Stroll between unknown faces and you will always find a piece of memory that you can co-relate with some face passing by, or travel anywhere, you won't be able to keep yourself away from getting cared by strangers. There is hardly any festival that goes unnoticed here. People in here actually search for some reason to celebrate the innocence that they have to left while pushing themselves beyond their own limits to reach the top of everything. Everyone everywhere is in hurry, but there is always someone to offer you a hand when you fall down. At times, it gives a feeling that this city have a living soul and watching eyes... it watches you through the corner of the road that you cross while listening music, it stares you when you watch out from a train's window and when your soul starts listening to the silent whispers of the city, it provides you a guardian angel to take care of you.
If it would have been just a job, I would say I hate it as everyone else does... but this is about spending a whole year here, that reveals its surprise at each period of time, brought me a new learning and wisdom to brew. I often hear people saying that there is no peace left in this city... there are moments when I have been at peace even when I am in a crowed local at peak hours. Every place that I visit, speaks a language that cherishes me if I offer myself as a silent and nonreactive listener.
It is not just about buildings and machines that make this city up, but something always happen to the people who come here. The living soul of this city transform them to be a part of it, to fill all the goodness that exist in the aura of this city, besides it keeps the demon inside you alive... so that you can test yourself at every step. This city gets you addicted of itself. Once you live here, it becomes part of you and no matters where go next, you always find a part of it alive inside you.
The four free birds that landed together in the shelter of this city apparently gets to grow apart, but I want to dedicate this blog to all 3 of them without whom I would have been all alone. We are on our own way of building our nest that we have always thought about, but even in this soulful city, when I needed someone to smile with or to cry on... I always find them as a resort from where I never have to walkout. I have found my guardian angel and don't know should I thank this place or it was just fate that brought it up to me, but without these three chapters of friendship, care and love... I would have been an incomplete book.