Living The Blanks

Too confused to reveal out the things that are keeping me alone with a low note, but this is an expected thing to happen as M reading another book by Paulo. Not that his writing make me to feel down, but it gets me in the touch with real me, the one I am, somewhere hidden behind the weary and unwary curtains of professional life and my dream world. Once, when I used to read his books, I used to think that he is the one who speaks my mind... now, whenever I read his thoughts, my quest to search the answers detaches me from all the happenings around me, as if someone inside of me is watching every moment I am spending. I no longer want to let myself to be lost in the seconds that gets disappeared or in the noise of outside and inside struggles, but I want the Time to take control of me so that I can see if I rise from the ashes that I have got turned into or do I lie there with inheriting restlessness.


If I have to define goal of my life, I would say achieving Peace and Love.
Peace can only be momentary if it depends upon any of the exterior component like work, people, activity. Although I used to feel peaceful while finishing up my work at office or when I spend quality time with my loved ones. But eventually that gives rise to desire to do more work or spend more of the quality time; and once the desire finds a place to peek in, peace cannot last.
And love... to be loved, one must love the self. Whats the point in complaining that one is not getting loved enough in the way one deserves to, while one is not loving self in the same way... forgiving oneself for all the misdeeds and adoring for one's own charms. Without having the love for self within, love cannot be given; for we can give only the things we have and hence even when we think that we deserved to be loved, we can't get enough of it coz everyone is living in the same illusion and blaming everything around that can be found to set responsible for not getting loved... while the problem resides inside of us.
Wondering if I am blaming myself just to quick find any solution... I am not... I just taking a stand to say- "I refuse to be a victim and I take responsibility of everything.

Have you ever wondered, there is a pause between the words when we say something or a blank between the words when we end writing one word and proceed with writing the next. This pause or blank makes those words meaningful and this blank is not controlled by anyone, not even by the one who is creating it... but someone more powerful than anyone else; the motion of the hand or pitch of the voice is never in a repetitive state during these blanks, that proves that these blanks are not controlled by us even though we are the one who creates them.
I wonder, if I have been living these blanks since a long time or its just that a blank have been created to let me find a vivid picture of my existence.

City Of MORONS

I have been living a life of nomad ever since I remember. Never had a place that I can say I belongs to, neither did I had a home that I can call as mine (coz of the fact that the home that I have now, no one stays over there). I have been brought up in Gwalior, a historical city that happens to bear my history too. I gained all the institutional knowledge over there. Almost all the first things in life that I have done or have had, happened to have its root in Gwalior. Infact I still carry a part of it in my life as my present friends and some sweet brothers and uncles. My Friends over there used to know me in a far different way that I have become now. I used to be a part of solution for them, no matter whatever be the problem. I still miss the gal within me, who used to live in her dreamland, yet aware of all the true world happening and had the guts to face the truth and make her dreamland come
true one day.

After completion of my graduation, I moved in Nasik- The city of MORONS.Everything thereafter starts to degrade to its worst since day 1. I got my first job in a company where Bitches and Son of bitches used to work(EXCLUDING 2, WHOM I FIND AS GEM AND KEPT TILL DATE AS MY TREASURED FRIEND), that I left after teaching a kick ass lesson to all of the deserving ones. I kept on changing job in search of good work place without knowing the fact that it was the city where every single person who is in relation with you won't mind to slaughter your throat for his own wishes and stranger may help you sometimes to get out the hell. The dearest son (Sujit GADKARI) of my dad's real sister(Suchita/Lalita GADKARI) and her husband(Ramesh GADKARI) killed the trust of my dad for few Lakhs, that eventually added to killing the mental peace of my family. These 3 sons and daugther of devil were my first suspects when I got to heard that dad and mom met an accident. I wished I would have cut their hands and snatch out their eyeballs when they arrived at my home later on 12th Nov. Then I got one more reason to hate, well hate is an understatement,despise this city. The person who killed my dad, so called paralyzed father of a doctor(Dr. IGLE of Jayaram Hospital, nasik), showed up how inhuman and mean people have become... that they kill a person on the street, bribe police and phew... they are out of every single trouble. No need to mention that police department is always known for its corrupted behavior, but here, a Doctor, who took an oath to save people didn't even cared when a person, whom his dad had almost killed, to have a look at and help to get saved.

I sometimes feels so proud of myself that whatever I am today, I don't need to share its credit with anyone else because I am a self made person; otherwise I would have been forced to have a suitor who don't even matches up to my ideals. I have already left that city of Morons and living in a soulful city, where I have been offered all the love of people, who once were strangers, but now have become a smile of some lonely moments.

People with whom I have shared my life with recently, always say that I am more of a destroyer and kinda negative. But I am giving out what I have received. And for sure one day I'll come back to destroy everything that holds a reason to change me against my wish, to get what always was mine, to acquire what I deserved and to make these MORONS feel, what I felt and to give away all the darkness that now resides inside me, to all those who had given it to me... in the same way that I have received it.

Looking back at a Golden Era...

5 Jan... this date got a new meaning for me in year 2010, when 4 small town people landed in the city of dream and despair. This was the date when these 4 people were chosen by the fate to stay together, out of which 2 were meant to be together.
It was 5 Jan 2010, when I started my career in the field that interest me the most. I want to steal a moment to look back towards the same date, when I was new to this city, completely ignorant towards future, I was here just to join my new site and make a career. My mind was full of hope and confidence towards my work and no other thoughts. I was ready to accept whatever wait ahead for me and was ready to mould it in the way I want... and here I am, writing about the day that seems to be just yesterday and yet, a whole era have been passed for me...

Almost everything that I used to know or believe has been changed in this one year. Some people travelled the distance from "unknown" to "someone special" and many travelled down to "known" from "very special". I remember myself vividly standing on foot board just to know what it feels like to be travelling in local or staying out till late just to know what it taste like Independence. A timeless city that don't count on the hours or days, but do count seconds and minutes. An old city that doesn't care if you get old, but do take care that you GROW old. I read somewhere a quote, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them". I never even need to put a foundation when I thought about working in Mumbai, it was fate that took a turn and get me in here.

I had a job to earn, but I earned my friends; I had friends to love, but I loved my wish. There is nothing that I regret about since I came here, unlike other different places where I got to be. This city just welcomed me with arms wide open, nourished me with its experiences and healed me with the love that I have ever got in my life...

There is something typically strange about this place or may be the bunch of people that makes this a place... no matter where you go, you get a feeling that you have been a part of it, you are always welcomed warmly and you never get lost. Stroll between unknown faces and you will always find a piece of memory that you can co-relate with some face passing by, or travel anywhere, you won't be able to keep yourself away from getting cared by strangers. There is hardly any festival that goes unnoticed here. People in here actually search for some reason to celebrate the innocence that they have to left while pushing themselves beyond their own limits to reach the top of everything. Everyone everywhere is in hurry, but there is always someone to offer you a hand when you fall down. At times, it gives a feeling that this city have a living soul and watching eyes... it watches you through the corner of the road that you cross while listening music, it stares you when you watch out from a train's window and when your soul starts listening to the silent whispers of the city, it provides you a guardian angel to take care of you.

If it would have been just a job, I would say I hate it as everyone else does... but this is about spending a whole year here, that reveals its surprise at each period of time, brought me a new learning and wisdom to brew. I often hear people saying that there is no peace left in this city... there are moments when I have been at peace even when I am in a crowed local at peak hours. Every place that I visit, speaks a language that cherishes me if I offer myself as a silent and nonreactive listener.
It is not just about buildings and machines that make this city up, but something always happen to the people who come here. The living soul of this city transform them to be a part of it, to fill all the goodness that exist in the aura of this city, besides it keeps the demon inside you alive... so that you can test yourself at every step. This city gets you addicted of itself. Once you live here, it becomes part of you and no matters where go next, you always find a part of it alive inside you.

The four free birds that landed together in the shelter of this city apparently gets to grow apart, but I want to dedicate this blog to all 3 of them without whom I would have been all alone. We are on our own way of building our nest that we have always thought about, but even in this soulful city, when I needed someone to smile with or to cry on... I always find them as a resort from where I never have to walkout. I have found my guardian angel and don't know should I thank this place or it was just fate that brought it up to me, but without these three chapters of friendship, care and love... I would have been an incomplete book.

Random Thoughts

Recently read an interesting fact about moth...
"Moths are not attracted by the light, they are attracted by the dark spot just behind the light source."

Aren't we all like the moth throughout our lives... We keep on running behind the light of love, fame, money, happiness, but what we get after reaching the light is just a dark spot... where you find yourself standing alone... light is just so near, but still unreachable...

How to bridge the gap between the light and the dark spot has always been a mystery. It takes a life's span to resolve it and even when you do, you will find out that you have missed all the moment that would have been precious while trying to resolve this mystery. Is it really a mystery or have we complicated it to this much extent by the way we live our life bounded in so called rules of human kind. Rules were once made to make human life more worthy, disciplined, but what if at some point of time you find out that it is these rules that is taking your life away, sucking away all that was originally yours and leaving behind an aim to follow the rat race... upon which I remember one quote by Alexander Pope, a forgotten poet from London of 18th century....

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."

unwishing the truth to be seen...

Dedicated to the best man of my life that noelse can ever have in the way that i did...




the world of colors, is now a world of lies
i lived there once and got to die twice...
what remains unsmelled and untouched all through
i wonder, if he is watching me over the skies...


the hand that i held, now that is gone
shine of the time, seems to all frown...
ahead is path of uncertainity and deception
every step that i take, moans all alone...


i wish i would be dreaming, wake up someday to find
all that i am wishing now, is the only accepted of mine
opening the eyes every morning and in the night
to see myself keeping you unvanishing, unmistakable and untimed


wondering what went wrong, stealing the memories to unsee
how far you have went, how badly i want to undo this to be
silence is falling down for words are losing their way
with an unrevealing, unexplainable wound...
living this illusion to keep you with me always

Random thoughts on 22nd Sept

Due to recent change in situation or lack of time, i have given up putting all those hi-fi intellectual or whatever post in here. And starting to put on all the random thoughts and recent happening around.

why i do kept this pic for today's blog! Coz I remembered this song just like that and now it not getting out of my head. An i would like to mention that whatever be the rest of the stuff in this post, initial idea to write this post was the song, so i wont let anything else to take the priority and get its pic for this post.

Yesterday was a day, much celebrated in western India. The 10 day festival is basically for celebrating the presence of God Ganesh on earth. Historical evidence shows that it was started by Shivaji Maharaj, to promote culture and nationalism. It was re initiated by Shri Lokmanya Tilak, well known freedom fighter, who recognize the wide appeal deity of Ganesh as "god of everybody" and popularize Ganesh chaturthi as national festival basically to bridge the gap between various sub castes of Hindus and to build new grass root unity amongst people that helped to unity people and fight against British rule.
Well, so nice to read that our great leader were so thoughtful and we all share the same history as well... but what about present! How many of us can dare to say we all knew about the history behind this celebration... how many of us have are actually aware of all such deep rooted reason for celebration of such festival. I don't feel shy to say, i wasn't aware, infact while writing this, i searched some stuff on google and found it.
During all these 10 days, you may see all well decorated Ganesh statue all around you, with music been played loudly till late, irrespective of the concern towards common man who have to scarify his sleep for whole of 10 days and specially on 10th day. Thousands of people rush home early to get their family have a look at these beautiful statue of Lord Ganesh and they stand 24hrs in a queue, just to get blessed by god. Loud music keeps on playing for 10 days, ruining people's peace... and more to my wonder, yesterday I saw after completing all the rituals, two groups in our colony brought Dj system on a truck and were playing it on the road to make people dance, blocking the road of course... and both the groups kept on increasing the volume until they found it couldn't be increased after a certain limit and all this for a sake of stupid competition...
I seriously wana ask all those people, chanting and shouting "Ganpati bappa morya", where exactly is the real spirit of this festival? Why ordinary people have to stand in line for 24 hrs while so called higher class always get a way to have special visit to these famous Pandals? Why is people's peace is destroyed for music competitions at these festivals?

In this race of commercialization, even the faith in god has been served to people in a golden plate. Elder always keep on cursing the situation and time to be bad coz of present generation... have they ever cared to root the same faith and great thoughts in us. This generation do have great thoughts and share the same history, only coz of race of time and money, we don't have time to look back and so no one else does care to tell us the scene behind... I just wanted you all reader to be aware of the real meaning of this 10 day celebration of Lord Ganesha and pass the ideas on before it get vanished... As THY SAY, PEOPLE DIE BUT NOT THE IDEAS...

Silent whispers...

Omens… I know that many of us, who likes to live in fantasy world created around us, by the older people in their stories, will be familiar to this word; this is how they describe the mystical sign by the soul of universe which we called as God, have left for us, as a puzzle to be solved out at the correct time. I know that some people believes that “we see what we wants”, but have you ever realized that what is the thing that make our belief so strong that even our sense of sight is been captured by that. May be things just happen randomly and for a moment we get a sense of the super big chain of the activities that have already been done and those that are about to be done. What is the thing that links you up with this chain, does it choose you or you just got involved it in due to some specific reason. Do you Really don’t want to know the Answers of all these Questions or do you Want to, but afraid to face the Answer?

If you ask me, yes I am afraid sometimes to know the answer and sometimes I feel that I am prepared to know them, live them…may be that is the way I can find the reason of having this quest in my mind or may be it helps me to find the reason of my being in this world. If you consider for a moment, the presence of this super big chain of incidents to be true, you will feel that we are here to play our own part, to make it happen somehow. You just can’t imagine how a simple sms, a single second of getting stuck in traffic, even breaking of a glass can change someone’s life miraculously. Some of us are chosen to do things and the other ones are to support in letting those things happen in one way or the other. I know that this may sound like a part of a spiritual or intellectual book or a storyline of a sci-fi movie, but you are not bound to trust me… trust yourself, if you are not afraid of doing it…

Why would you see a person in your dream with which you have met an accident in your past, on the very same day when you again face an accident! When everything is just going perfect, why would you dream about a breaking up of trust upon someone, which later on turns to be true somehow! Have you ever realized that when you see or listen a particular song somehow, with which there is a specific person associated, you get in contact with that person, whether or not being planned! Why do you sometimes pick you cell just to check that have you got a call or text and within 5 seconds, it rang up! If you have any of these questions in your mind, then I am sure you can understand what I am talking about. What is the use of knowing things if you can’t change it? Do you really get to know these things just like that, without any reason or there is some reason that you need not to know at this time, but at some specifically correct time! Sometimes I got scared of these questions because its answers have not got anyway yet to come to me. Sometimes I am afraid of feeling anything because I know that one way or another, this feeling is going to be true. Sometimes I am confused that is it really meant to happen or my fear took over me and make me to be true. So, sometimes I wish that I can have so much noise around me that I can lost myself in it and forget myself… and rest of the other times, I think that may be these questions will lead me to the final destination, the main job that I am supposed to do in this super big chain of events…where we all are just supposed to do the things, at the correct time, in the correct order, to let happen what is supposed to be, no matter what it takes.