Sadda Haq

After a long time analysis of what to write about and what not, I cant fight this urge of jotting my thoughts up here when I "finally" got "Sadda Haq" song in my cell & listen to it. Was kinda amazed and happy to see that the international genre of soft rock has finally arrived in India and loved by most. Mohit Chauhan, as always, has exceeded the expectations and in most of the soundtracks, done a spectacular job of singing the feelings, and not just lyrics. Imtiaz Ali has already done a super job of creating a simple yet twisted fairy land love story like "Jab We Met", so I can keep my faith in him until the movie gets released.

I was in 11th standard, when I listened to a Rock song for the first time in my life. It was "Crawling in my skin- LP" and since then this "rock/metal" genre become my very own one. I think the only reason that people like something is that they can connect themselves to that particular thing, may it be a film, song, place, etc. I have always found myself willing to scream out the pain, frustration, guilt, incompleteness but I never succeeded. So, the reason for me, liking rock/metal is simple... they scream it out in situations when people just can't. Only thing that I wonder is, when I can respect people's choice for old songs, stupid lunatic blue songs, typical country songs, why can't they stop cursing the rock and metal bands and respect the choice of people like me! Well, recently I have been meeting a hell lot of people who thinks that only correct view is the one that they have got and other's one is bull shit, oops... I respect them too and think that they have a shitty... LOL.

Question is the reason that we all are alive. Questions always have a mystery behind them, some worth it, some don't, but all of them makes us curious and that's what keep the spirit alive in us. I am still alive and somewhere have that old spirit coz some part of me is still curious for searching the answers, chasing the unknown and face it; rest is now dead with hopeless fakes and lack of trust. I always get a crush on singers for their voice, as I always find them that much emotional and intellectual as I am, since I am also an artist (not in a literal way, I don't master any one art, but can perform many of them Literally). Most of the people who knows me, say that I am destructive or I like wars and all sort of bloody fights, that's true and it's not a fact. I like all such stuff coz there I get to see goodness killing/destroying the evil, people fighting to save a little righteousness, they act on a single call of their conscience and that is something rare to watch. I don't usually make people around me to understand me coz I don't find a reason to bother them with my own twirls and complexities as they have their own. But it hurts to hear something about you, that you are not, from people whom you think, knows you well and this could really be devastating and may kill your persona too. May be I am too ignorant or too careless to make them understand the real me or I find them incapable of understanding my view.
Recently I have found my own way to stop getting anger at people and welcome them with open arms, I try to find myself in them. Since the basic nature and the basic need is same in every living being... that is will to survive. Some try to make a view then try to keep that view protected and survive; others first survive and creates a view that is essential for survival. But in both cases, no individual should be blamed, since it's the situations and challenges faced, mould the personality. And that's where my real question comes in light...
" Whom should we blame for those situations, since this is a super big chain of action and reaction, having absolutely no one at the end?"
I am gonna leave this blog ending with a question, to keep mind busy finding answer so as to keep the joy and spirit of living alive.

Day of pleasant surprises

This week I celebrated the most fascinating birthday of my life. Only thing that i missed so badly was my dad, but may be coz of the fact that he wasn't there and no one wanted me to miss him, everyone tried to make it wonderful for me. That was the fact that made me feel so incomplete, but i don't want to disgrace the efforts of all the lovely people, so I am cutting it short.

One of my special friend almost gave me a heart attack when he brought me my most precious gift, cake and dessert for all of my roommates at my door step right at the strike of 12. I wish if only i could capture those moments to show it to everyone i know. Birthday can only be special if you have someone who cares about you enough to thank star each year for having you born on that day. This was something new that i learn only this year, well actually someone made me to realize this fact. And this is so logical, that is why, not all of your friends or relative wish you with the warmth as the others do, or be there for you to make it special. I have had lotsa lonely bdays, but the prize that i have got now for having all of those lonely bdays, has totally been justified now.

Enjoy both of the precious gift of my life in the pic. I wish you all, to have such a wonderful day every year in your life too, as i had this year.

Little missing things

Today, when I was travelling in bus, suddenly a song pops up in my music player… “kaise bataye, kyu tujh ko chahe” that made me to remember a specific day and moment from Mysore training days. It always amuse me, how a combination of song and situation make a moment to be remembered always, since I have some more song in my list that always make me to remember some particular event from my life.

I wish if only I could remember the poems too, it would have made the perfect combination as I have heard some of the brilliant poems in movie “ZNMD”. Simple movie with no story line, still it touch you somewhere deep down with its innocence. It seems to be made with such a precise care as a mother does for its challenged child. If I get to go on such a vacation, I would have chosen Ruchi, Rohini to go along with me, however I am not friends with them now and they were only friends with me and not with each other, but atleast they had the same spirit for life as I have. I was always lucky for having nice friends around but only few, matched my spirit. Sometimes I think I have missed the bliss of having such cherished friends, but I am still lucky enough to have some of them. I don’t need them, but I still want them to be there in my life… for friendship aint happen for any need or for any reason.

Remembering the unmatched spririt for life...

So, here I am, thinking again... how should I start my this post! I still lack the ability to start things, whatever it may be. Things are happening in a flick these days with me, around me and around the globe, but I am still stucked with my own little things... may be I am not globalized enough to worry enough.

Now that my year old roommateship has officially ended with Saee, Nidhi and Shilpa... I am realizing that I used to live there in a comfort zone. I don't remember anything memorable happened over there, if its not the fire at home on last night together... but it was only those simple n small things that made a huge difference. None of them were a pain in my head, but they were so open minded that I used to share anything without even giving a second thought.



I still remember the comment by Saee when she came to my new flat and asked "You choose this flat because no one was helping you out to get a new one and you want to prove that you don't need any1's help, haven't you!" and I still wonder, she knows me that well?!! There was a night when me and Saee both were crying because of the same issue in our lives, both lying on the edge of our bed and suddenly seeing each other crying for the same reason made us laugh stupidiously.

Shilpa was the one who made everyone at home to call me Cinderella that later on got minimized to Cyndi. She was the one who used to allow every girl in need to stay (including me). She was the one to call me up and talk so sweety "Kaisi hai tu, kaha hai tu" when I didn't show up one night right after I moved in, when I was unaware of the fact that I should inform someone at my flat.

I still have the comments and quotes of Nidhi as mental notes, that were made on boyfriend and things like that. She always used to bear my spicy khichdi in dinner, however she never liked spicy food that much. She was the one who could always be found making boldest comments about relationship, office life and the only one who managed to have a perfect balance of everything in her life.

Now, if anyone would claim heaven and hell lies on earth, I would completely agree with that... as now I know pleasure doesn't lies in big smiles and shiny things, but in small things that will touch your heart in such a way that you get addicted of it and when this pleasure goes away, it leaves behind an empty place that can never be filled.
As the spirit of these three will remain unmatched... the free soul that I used to be will always remember them as a mentor.

P.S. - I had a lot of other things to write here, but you three got over all the things and I hate you all for that.

IMP info- I wrote this stuff on 12 March, but since i wanted to upload this blog wid our pic, m now able to put this up.

NO MEN'S LAND

Recently saw the movie "He's not that into you"... that left me with a rebelling thought (that perfectly matches my current situation) FUCK THESE GUYs AWAY....
Why do we always let a guy to be in control even when we know right from the starting that its gonna happen someday that you will feel fooled and stupid to depend so much on someone who belongs to a species that have this universal genetic disorder of playing tricks and thinking about just self on the cost of other's happiness, just coz THIS makes them feel better. There is absolutely no reason that someone would like to live in this constant fear that you shouldn't do anything that would make the guy upset enough that he can mention this again that he is being nice enough with you even after whatever you have done... and that would again make you to feel sick as you have stopped being yourself just to make him happy and now, that doesn't even count. And yet, each and every girl will try to show off, how happy she is with his guy. Why the hell all of the guys are full of shit and can't let anyone whom they really like, to just live their life in their own way. No matter what kind of relation are you in with a guy, his universal genetic disorder will make you to feel like killing yourself someday or other and miss the day when your life used to be so free and peaceful.
.... don't look forward for a perfect conclusive ending for this post coz im still searching for it.

Living The Blanks

Too confused to reveal out the things that are keeping me alone with a low note, but this is an expected thing to happen as M reading another book by Paulo. Not that his writing make me to feel down, but it gets me in the touch with real me, the one I am, somewhere hidden behind the weary and unwary curtains of professional life and my dream world. Once, when I used to read his books, I used to think that he is the one who speaks my mind... now, whenever I read his thoughts, my quest to search the answers detaches me from all the happenings around me, as if someone inside of me is watching every moment I am spending. I no longer want to let myself to be lost in the seconds that gets disappeared or in the noise of outside and inside struggles, but I want the Time to take control of me so that I can see if I rise from the ashes that I have got turned into or do I lie there with inheriting restlessness.


If I have to define goal of my life, I would say achieving Peace and Love.
Peace can only be momentary if it depends upon any of the exterior component like work, people, activity. Although I used to feel peaceful while finishing up my work at office or when I spend quality time with my loved ones. But eventually that gives rise to desire to do more work or spend more of the quality time; and once the desire finds a place to peek in, peace cannot last.
And love... to be loved, one must love the self. Whats the point in complaining that one is not getting loved enough in the way one deserves to, while one is not loving self in the same way... forgiving oneself for all the misdeeds and adoring for one's own charms. Without having the love for self within, love cannot be given; for we can give only the things we have and hence even when we think that we deserved to be loved, we can't get enough of it coz everyone is living in the same illusion and blaming everything around that can be found to set responsible for not getting loved... while the problem resides inside of us.
Wondering if I am blaming myself just to quick find any solution... I am not... I just taking a stand to say- "I refuse to be a victim and I take responsibility of everything.

Have you ever wondered, there is a pause between the words when we say something or a blank between the words when we end writing one word and proceed with writing the next. This pause or blank makes those words meaningful and this blank is not controlled by anyone, not even by the one who is creating it... but someone more powerful than anyone else; the motion of the hand or pitch of the voice is never in a repetitive state during these blanks, that proves that these blanks are not controlled by us even though we are the one who creates them.
I wonder, if I have been living these blanks since a long time or its just that a blank have been created to let me find a vivid picture of my existence.

City Of MORONS

I have been living a life of nomad ever since I remember. Never had a place that I can say I belongs to, neither did I had a home that I can call as mine (coz of the fact that the home that I have now, no one stays over there). I have been brought up in Gwalior, a historical city that happens to bear my history too. I gained all the institutional knowledge over there. Almost all the first things in life that I have done or have had, happened to have its root in Gwalior. Infact I still carry a part of it in my life as my present friends and some sweet brothers and uncles. My Friends over there used to know me in a far different way that I have become now. I used to be a part of solution for them, no matter whatever be the problem. I still miss the gal within me, who used to live in her dreamland, yet aware of all the true world happening and had the guts to face the truth and make her dreamland come
true one day.

After completion of my graduation, I moved in Nasik- The city of MORONS.Everything thereafter starts to degrade to its worst since day 1. I got my first job in a company where Bitches and Son of bitches used to work(EXCLUDING 2, WHOM I FIND AS GEM AND KEPT TILL DATE AS MY TREASURED FRIEND), that I left after teaching a kick ass lesson to all of the deserving ones. I kept on changing job in search of good work place without knowing the fact that it was the city where every single person who is in relation with you won't mind to slaughter your throat for his own wishes and stranger may help you sometimes to get out the hell. The dearest son (Sujit GADKARI) of my dad's real sister(Suchita/Lalita GADKARI) and her husband(Ramesh GADKARI) killed the trust of my dad for few Lakhs, that eventually added to killing the mental peace of my family. These 3 sons and daugther of devil were my first suspects when I got to heard that dad and mom met an accident. I wished I would have cut their hands and snatch out their eyeballs when they arrived at my home later on 12th Nov. Then I got one more reason to hate, well hate is an understatement,despise this city. The person who killed my dad, so called paralyzed father of a doctor(Dr. IGLE of Jayaram Hospital, nasik), showed up how inhuman and mean people have become... that they kill a person on the street, bribe police and phew... they are out of every single trouble. No need to mention that police department is always known for its corrupted behavior, but here, a Doctor, who took an oath to save people didn't even cared when a person, whom his dad had almost killed, to have a look at and help to get saved.

I sometimes feels so proud of myself that whatever I am today, I don't need to share its credit with anyone else because I am a self made person; otherwise I would have been forced to have a suitor who don't even matches up to my ideals. I have already left that city of Morons and living in a soulful city, where I have been offered all the love of people, who once were strangers, but now have become a smile of some lonely moments.

People with whom I have shared my life with recently, always say that I am more of a destroyer and kinda negative. But I am giving out what I have received. And for sure one day I'll come back to destroy everything that holds a reason to change me against my wish, to get what always was mine, to acquire what I deserved and to make these MORONS feel, what I felt and to give away all the darkness that now resides inside me, to all those who had given it to me... in the same way that I have received it.